…so this is one of my most honest posts. Although I hastened to add that all my blogs are honest. This one is quite personal though and quite raw. Nothing dressed up here. But I feel that I need to put this ‘out there’.
I’ve wanted to write for a while, but I’ve just not had the guts or energy too. Or I simply haven’t had anything to say really.
Now that the year is ending, and I’m desperate for a new and especially different year, my thoughts are focused on what the year has been like. So here goes.
I’ve hated this year more then I have loved it. And that’s a very sad, but honest thing I’m having to admit to myself.
I’ve hated how I’ve lost my own home.
I’ve hated how this move has not made my husband as happy as he thought it would.
I’ve hated how we’ve not moved forward financially in anyway.
I’ve hated how I’ve been so angry this whole year.
I’ve hated how I’ve treated my sons in this process.
I’ve hated how I’ve fought so much in my marriage.
I’ve hated that we lost the sense of adventure. And I’ve hated the loss of progress and ambition.
I’ve hated the loss of stability in the future.
I’ve hated not having found friends, or not having had the energy to put myself out there.
I’ve hated how I’ve treated people this year.
I’ve hated the lack of creativity and that I’ve not insisted on ‘me’ time.
I’ve hated the lack of routine (and trust me, I’m really not a routine person)
I’ve hated the burden of not knowing what will happen.
I’ve hated feeling like a victim.
I’ve hated how I have fought so much this year.
I’ve hated my self-pity.
I’ve hated that I’ve not smiled or laughed a lot.
I’ve hated how alone I’ve felt this year.
I’ve hated how I’ve screamed at my children.
And I’ve hated how much I’ve coursed.
I’ve hated the frustration that I’ve felt.
I’ve hated that I’ve lost my trust, faith and hope.
I’ve hated how despair has made itself at home in my heart. And I’ve hated how I’ve felt helpless at trying to change that.
So basically yeah, I’ve hated most of this year. Which is super sad. Hate is a strong word. But my feelings have been just that, all of them, so intense and kind a all at the same time.
What have I loved this year?! Honest. Not much springs to mind and that makes me so sad. Really. Sad.
I have absolutely loved my eldest son starting kindergarten. He just loves it! And he’s adorable when he talks about it. He also loves sports. And it’s a delight to watch him at his group.
I’ve also loved watching my younger son grow and become so witty and loving. A miracle really, considering this year. And I’ve loved going on a couple of dates with my hubby and having had some family time earlier this year.
I have loved being close to extended family. Although I’ve not been my best, which again is quite sad. And I have loved waking up to the view of the beautiful alps every morning!
I know I’ve written ‘hated’ – so past – although I admit, I still very much still feel it all now. But I’d like it to be the past. “I’ve hated… and now I LOVE …” – That would be nice.
So next year?! Really, next year needs to be different for me. And us. Or else I feel I won’t survive it much. I need love next year. Even when it’s tough. To be able to dish out tough love and receive tough love. I need next year to be different practically, spiritually and emotionally. That might be a tall order and I agree that for most of it, I actually need to change. Or I need to facilitate change in my environment. Either way. It’ll be hard work. And I’m not talking about the end of next year either.
I need to have some sort of change right from the start.
I’m also turning 40 (!) and I hear it can be a turning point in peoples lives. I’d really like that. For the better of course!